The Onion just roasted Congress for its ‘cowardice’ in a bold full-page ad in the New York Times
In a twist of timing so darkly poetic it feels scripted, The Onion ran a full-page ad in Sunday’s New York Times print edition titled: “Congress, Now More Than Ever, Our Nation Needs Your Cowardice.” It lands just as the U.S. wakes up to the news of bombing Iran — a move with no formal congressional authorization — making the ad less satire, more searing prophecy. As subscribers leaf through the paper looking for updates on the Middle East chaos, they’ll be greeted by America’s most savage satirical outlet begging Congress to, quite literally, do absolutely nothing.
This isn’t just a printed prank. It’s a coordinated roast. Copies of The Onion’s newest issue — along with a letter from fake CEO Bryce P. Tetraeder of the not-real conglomerate Global Tetrahedron — are already en route to every member of Congress, arriving conveniently as they return from recess. Inside: a feature-length editorial pulling no punches. “We teeter on the brink of collapse into an authoritarian state,” it reads. “That is why, today, The Onion calls upon our lawmakers to sit back and do absolutely nothing.” It only gets more brutal: “Now is not the time for bravery or valor! This is the time for protecting your own hide and lining your pocket. Now is not the time for listening to your idiotic constituents drone on about what’s happening to their precious democracy. This is the time for getting down on all fours and groveling.”
The entire editorial — set to hit subscribers’ mailboxes next month — was shared with The Handbasket, a newsletter clearly delighted to carry the exclusive. The text continues its roast: “In our nation’s darkest moments, the public often looks to Congress for profiles in meekness. We search for men and women much like yourselves, emotional weaklings who are afraid to meet their own glance in the mirror, insignificant do-nothings who quake in their boots at the mention of the slightest exertion. Many of you have already distinguished yourselves as such individuals. To them, our country’s oligarchs can only offer their boundless thanks.”
And the parting jab: “Take solace knowing you are not alone in this endeavor. Over the grand expanse of American history, there have been countless lawmakers who managed to summon up their complete lack of backbone and do the easy thing. Think of the members of Congress who turned a blind eye to Japanese American internment, McCarthyism, or the horrors of the Holocaust, all because doing something seemed a little too hard, a little too inconvenient. These men should be your inspiration. Never forget: You stand on the shoulders of spineless giants.”
Additional headlines in the special issue pull no punches either: “Congress Passes Blank Bill For Trump To Write Whatever Law He Wants” and “Think Tank Called ‘The Himmler Institute’ Assures Nation This All Legal.” These weren’t just jokes — they landed in the national consciousness as the U.S. potentially enters yet another Middle Eastern war with the same old playbook: no oversight, no authorization, and absolutely no regard for consequences.
“The Onion is known for its oracular ability to predict the next great American horror, but the timing on this might be the most prescient bit of The Onion’s reporting yet,” said CEO Ben Collins. “As the president drags this country headlong into yet another war, which will certainly bring about no adverse consequences, I am proud to reiterate The Onion’s call for Congress to sit back and just let this all happen to us.”
It’s hard to separate the real from the satire these days. Rolling Stone recently reported that Diddy’s team was allegedly trying to get Trump to pardon him. Their lede acknowledged that The Onion got there first, with the eerily-titled piece: “Sean Combs Asks for Quick Trial So He Can Get to Part Where Trump Pardons Him.”
But this is familiar territory for The Onion. In 2003, as mainstream media gleefully broadcast shock and awe over Baghdad, The Onion was one of the few outlets mocking the lies and bloodlust. Headlines like “This War Will Destabilize The Entire Mideast Region And Set Off A Global Shockwave Of Anti-Americanism vs. No It Won’t” and “New Bomb Capable Of Creating 1,500 New Terrorists In Single Blast” hit the truth harder than most “real” journalists.
Editor-in-Chief Chad Nackers, a veteran at The Onion since 1997, remembers it well. He says CNN was practically “drooling” over the chance to show missiles flying. Meanwhile, his team was questioning the grotesque theater of it all. Now, with CNN back in its favorite chair as wartime infotainment, The Onion is once again doing the only real reporting we’ve got — through satire.
“As much as The Onion can be very critical of America—and rightly so—that is what should be embraced, right?” Nackers told us. “That is an amazing freedom, to be able to be critical of when your country does something wrong and try to course correct. I think for The Onion writers, that’s where their patriotism lies.”
